The waiting game.

My last blog post announced that my husband and I have started the adoption journey. We are currently waiting to be matched with a birth mom.

This is where my growth edge lives.

I've waited the dreaded 2 weeks post ovulation before taking a pregnancy test. 

I've waited on blood work results to indicate a growing pregnancy hormone.

I've waited on blood work results to confirm a decrease in pregnancy hormone = miscarriage.

Post miscarriage, I've waited for my pregnancy hormones to drop to 0 before starting to consider the next steps.

I've waited, and waited, and waited. When does waiting get easier, or does it not?

I'm Back!

Why haven’t I written a new post in the last few months? Honestly? I thought I had come to an acceptance with my infertility. (The key word– thought.) I’m no longer allowing my diagnosis to define who I am so why should I keep blogging? I’m not allowing infertility to strip the joy from my life, so why do I need to keep journaling my process?

After a 4-year battle with cancer, my dad passed away right before Easter. I was flooded with emotions, obviously grieving the loss of an important, steadfast, person in my life. More so, it took this life event to show me I had become really good at shoving down and masking my real and raw emotions in life. I had created scabs over wounds of loss (loss of babies, loss of a dream, loss of a working female body) and allowed myself to think I was “okay”.  

If I’m being honest, I had stopped blogging because I thought I had it all together – which is far from the truth. In hopes of not letting my infertility define me, I had allowed myself to live in this false reality where my infertility wasn’t part of me. Infertility may not define me, but it is part of my story and has woven who I am today. The experiences I have lived have shaped my heart and given me wisdom about my faith. It’s given a voice to a topic that is not talked about much and created dialogue amongst an on-line community that I didn’t know existed. While my journey has evolved, shifted and changed in the last few months, there is still a ton of work to be done. I don’t define myself by infertility, nor do I let it strip me of joy, but I am committing myself to the healing process, allowing the wounds to be exposed and mended.

The anti "I hate you, 2016" post.

As I sat down to write my "I hate you, 2016" post, I began to feel convicted. Sure, I can easily write a long list (more like a chapter book) of crappy things that happened in the last 12 months; which includes my father-in-law's passing, my dad's struggle with cancer and my 3 miscarriages. But let's be real, that's not helpful. I'm not saying I should ignore the events that happened, they shaped the person and the heart that is entering a new year, but a ton of fierce and fabulous things occurred amongst the struggles.

In an effort to end the year for a grateful heart, I forced myself to trash the hate post and find 6 highlights to be grateful for.

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1. In february I crossed my line of bravery and started an infertility blog, challenging myself to find JOY in everyday life.

2. In March we celebrated Little Man's 3rd birthday and had some adventures in Big Sur, CA.

3. I completed something new and scary in May, choreographing a musical with 300+ performers that opened at The Wiltern. a historic theater in Los Angeles.

4. Our annual family vacation included adventures in Italy and London. I was challenged to live out my life motto of finding JOY as I miscarried while in Europe.

5. Little Man started preschool in September, which brought forth more excitement than tears from both of us.

6. The end of the year challenged me to fully commit to finding JOY in everyday life. For the first time in over a decade I found JOY in the holiday season, a time that is usually rough for me. Although I experienced another miscarriage, I was able to carry a JOYFUL heart and allowed others to love and speak truth into me. 

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So while 2016 handed me my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment, when I reflect on the year through a lens of gratefulness and JOY, I realize I rocked the year more than I thought. 

Cheers to a fierce and fabulous new year. Bring it on, 2017.