Mini Photographer
/
Aiden recently got excited to take pictures using Josh's 7D. Although heavy for his little arms, he made it work! The only caveat, the subjects need to get down to his level!
The anti "I hate you, 2016" post.
/
As I sat down to write my "I hate you, 2016" post, I began to feel convicted. Sure, I can easily write a long list (more like a chapter book) of crappy things that happened in the last 12 months; which includes my father-in-law's passing, my dad's struggle with cancer and my 3 miscarriages. But let's be real, that's not helpful. I'm not saying I should ignore the events that happened, they shaped the person and the heart that is entering a new year, but a ton of fierce and fabulous things occurred amongst the struggles.
In an effort to end the year for a grateful heart, I forced myself to trash the hate post and find 6 highlights to be grateful for.
--------------------------------------------
1. In february I crossed my line of bravery and started an infertility blog, challenging myself to find JOY in everyday life.
2. In March we celebrated Little Man's 3rd birthday and had some adventures in Big Sur, CA.
3. I completed something new and scary in May, choreographing a musical with 300+ performers that opened at The Wiltern. a historic theater in Los Angeles.
4. Our annual family vacation included adventures in Italy and London. I was challenged to live out my life motto of finding JOY as I miscarried while in Europe.
5. Little Man started preschool in September, which brought forth more excitement than tears from both of us.
6. The end of the year challenged me to fully commit to finding JOY in everyday life. For the first time in over a decade I found JOY in the holiday season, a time that is usually rough for me. Although I experienced another miscarriage, I was able to carry a JOYFUL heart and allowed others to love and speak truth into me.
--------------------------------------
So while 2016 handed me my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment, when I reflect on the year through a lens of gratefulness and JOY, I realize I rocked the year more than I thought.
Cheers to a fierce and fabulous new year. Bring it on, 2017.
I desire to be loved but maybe I don't deserve it.
/
I desire to love and be loved but there have been times in my life when I felt I didn't deserve that privledge.
Before meeting Josh, I allowed myself to be in unhealthy relationships. These relationships didn't lift me up, and if I'm being honest, I didn't lift them up either. In fact, sometimes I replay incidents and words that came out of my mouth during those days. I'm embaressed to admit it, but my words and actions were borderline abusive.
Then I met Josh. I wish the story ended here with me saying, "And he changed my outlook on relationships by bringing out the more loving, compassionate side of me." Unfortuantely, I didn't allow that to happen.
Josh has always had an unconditional heart. From the get go he knew the right words to lift me up even when I was convinced I didn't need a "man" to help me. For the first years of Josh and my relationship I didn't lift him up, I didn't wholehearted believe in us and I found every excuse to test his love for me. I easily got defensive and would quickly jump to anger. Oftentimes I felt he was purposefully pushing my buttons just to get me to react. In fact, early in our marriage I had a suitcase packed by the door, ready to make my escape when a disagreement or conflict ensued.
Then infertility happened and I was forced to reflect on the way I love on others, and more importantly, the way I love on myself.
I realized I wasn't allowing Josh to really love me. I wasn't allowing myself to accept his love. Why? Because I believe I didn't deserve it.
If I'm being truthful, the negative self-talk that I allowed to run in my mind was self-distructive.
“I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not skinny enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not tough enough.
I’m not perfect enough.”
The reality is, I didn't think I was good enough. I truly didn't believe I was good enough to be loved, especially not by the special love Josh provides.
I'm still working through the journey of feeling as though I'm enough. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to allow others to lift me up and love on me. Most importantly, I need to love on myself and trust, even through infertility, that I'm enough.