Grieving a Working Body

I’ve been dancing since the age of 2, that’s when a knock-kneed little nugget walked into her first dance class. Almost thirty-three years later (wow, that makes me feel old!) I have a keen awareness of the instrument I use on the daily. I’ve developed knowledge to know when parts of my body are giving me trouble; it means a connecting muscle is tight or overworked. I’ve come to understand the mechanics of my body in a way to make it do movement that doesn’t come naturally. For example, balancing on one leg while spinning repeatedly doesn’t come naturally. One has to learn how to shift weight into one leg, learning to pull up while simultaneously sending energy down, lowering the shoulders down while elongating through the top of the head, etc.

Now translate that acumen of the body to someone dealing with infertility. For years I was forced to have an interesting relationship with my body - in a way that I could manipulate my body and make it do things that don’t come naturally. So I couldn’t help but question, “Why is my body struggling to successfully do something that is supposed to come so naturally? Why can my body do things that aren’t “natural” (like the example above), but can’t successfully hold onto a developing baby?”

Up until recently, I was pissed at my body. Deep down in the pit of my stomach, I would become enraged when my body released another pregnancy.  I became angry that my body, who I thought I knew so well, wouldn’t do what’s it’s suppose to do.

Then God presented me with a different perspective. What if my body IS working the way it’s supposed to. What if my body is working the way HE intends for it work. Sounds odd, no? Just hear me out for a moment.

What is my body is working as such because God’s plan is bigger than mine? What if my body works in the way it does, flawed and all, because He wants me to use my infertility experience to shed awareness and create a voice to those who are struggling in silence?

Now I ask the following questions:

“How is Jesus using my infertility for good?

How is He using my journey to impact others?

How is God using my infertility diagnoses for His glory?”

Thinking with this perspective has drastically shifted the way I view my body, and more so, my infertility diagnoses. I can’t change the details of my life, but I can change the definition – for His glory and for His sake.

The anti "I hate you, 2016" post.

As I sat down to write my "I hate you, 2016" post, I began to feel convicted. Sure, I can easily write a long list (more like a chapter book) of crappy things that happened in the last 12 months; which includes my father-in-law's passing, my dad's struggle with cancer and my 3 miscarriages. But let's be real, that's not helpful. I'm not saying I should ignore the events that happened, they shaped the person and the heart that is entering a new year, but a ton of fierce and fabulous things occurred amongst the struggles.

In an effort to end the year for a grateful heart, I forced myself to trash the hate post and find 6 highlights to be grateful for.

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1. In february I crossed my line of bravery and started an infertility blog, challenging myself to find JOY in everyday life.

2. In March we celebrated Little Man's 3rd birthday and had some adventures in Big Sur, CA.

3. I completed something new and scary in May, choreographing a musical with 300+ performers that opened at The Wiltern. a historic theater in Los Angeles.

4. Our annual family vacation included adventures in Italy and London. I was challenged to live out my life motto of finding JOY as I miscarried while in Europe.

5. Little Man started preschool in September, which brought forth more excitement than tears from both of us.

6. The end of the year challenged me to fully commit to finding JOY in everyday life. For the first time in over a decade I found JOY in the holiday season, a time that is usually rough for me. Although I experienced another miscarriage, I was able to carry a JOYFUL heart and allowed others to love and speak truth into me. 

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So while 2016 handed me my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment, when I reflect on the year through a lens of gratefulness and JOY, I realize I rocked the year more than I thought. 

Cheers to a fierce and fabulous new year. Bring it on, 2017.

Its not the end, it's a new chapter.

My ideal timeline looked like this: 

Date, get engaged, get married, go on a honeymoon and sometime shortly after that, start trying to have a baby. Two years later, have a second child, and somewhere down the line a third and possible a fourth. Yep, I'm that odd LA mom who dreams of having 4 kids, a rare breed on my side of town!

I decided to start trying for baby #1 in the Spring of 2010. Up to this point I was super fortunate to have my desired life timeline play out according to plan. So you can imagine my surprise when month one, then month two passed without a positive pregnancy test. Come July, I was getting antsy and decided to see the "Queen Victoria" (thank you Rosie Pope for that special name) doctor. 

Here I was, four months into trying to conceive and already I was at the doctor. Why did I go to the doctor so soon? I'm not sure, to be honest. Perhaps a part of me knew something was not right from the get go. After doing the normal/basic yearly exam, I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist, otherwise known as a Baby Making Doctor. 

This began the first of many fights with Josh. I wanted to start fertility treatments (aka, clomid), even though at the time I had no clue what that entailed. Josh wanted to give it more time. The more we argued about this, the more I felt unheard. 

So after many heated discussions, some that turned ugly, we scheduled our first appointment. I was ignorant, maybe even beyond ignorant - if that's possible. I really thought I was going to attend this appointment and everything would be fine. I assumed we would go through a test or two, find out nothing was wrong, and be pregnant that month.

Far from it!

It took 3 years, 4 rounds of clomid, 5 miscarriages and 5 surgeries/procedures before falling pregnant with Aiden. Add to that another 3 years, 2 surgeries/procedures, 3 menapure cycles, 7 additional miscarriages and a ton of emotional burden later, we are now entering an reproductive immunology protocol in trying for our 2nd child. This includes getting LIT (aka= getting vaccine made up of Josh's white blood cells), IVIG, steroid shots, hormone cocktail - and thats only naming a few. 

While this new chapter is a little overwhelming, I'm glad that it's just that - a NEW CHAPTER. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on our choices of the past - the choice to do menapure cycles, the choice to endure poking and prodding in uncomfortable places on my body. But there's something HOPEFUL in trying something new, in moving forward instead of repeating or holding onto the past. I'm putting my faith in God, as I pray for a different outcome.