The waiting game.

My last blog post announced that my husband and I have started the adoption journey. We are currently waiting to be matched with a birth mom.

This is where my growth edge lives.

I've waited the dreaded 2 weeks post ovulation before taking a pregnancy test. 

I've waited on blood work results to indicate a growing pregnancy hormone.

I've waited on blood work results to confirm a decrease in pregnancy hormone = miscarriage.

Post miscarriage, I've waited for my pregnancy hormones to drop to 0 before starting to consider the next steps.

I've waited, and waited, and waited. When does waiting get easier, or does it not?

Redefining Success

As I sat in spin class the other morning, attempting to huff and puff up a hill, the instructor said, "Nothing and no one is standing in the way of your success. Only you can create that success for yourself." That's when it hit me, I've been defining success all wrong.

Ever since I was little I defined success as accomplishing a goal where time, hard work and determination (mixed with stubbornness) helped me achieve things like graduating UCLA with honors, getting into NYU for grad school and achieving not 1, but 2, dream jobs in my career. As I've gotten older I find it harder to find satisfaction in moments of unsuccessfulness. The disappointment is more grand, the sense of defeat more deflating.

So there I was in spin class having an ah-ha moment realizing I've been handling my unsuccessful moments ALL WRONG!  Only I can create success for myself. Only I can determine what is successful and what is not. Only I have the strength and ability to decide if my successes are only successful when meeting certain criteria or if the lesson learned along the journey is enough.

The thing is, I'm quick to see the failure and the disappointment. I'm even quicker to feel the defeat, and I allow that defeat to become negative self talk.

As I apply this shift of thought to my infertility circumstance I feel a sense of weight lifted off my shoulders. I can choose to see each month that I'm not pregnant as a failure or I can reflect and find the pockets, the small moments, that taught me something - therefore, finding success within that.

So while I'm not pregnant this month, I'm choosing to look at this month through a different lens. I'm not pregnant, but I can successfully list an abundance of joyful things in my life with whole hearted appreciation - which is not normally something that comes easy to me. In addition, I'm not angry at my body for forsaking me once again this month. While these two things might seem small to some, they are huge successes for me.

My hope is by redefining success I can start to see and believe that I AM ENOUGH.

#tbt

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14 

 I absolutely love my job. I feel beyond fortunate that my job doesn't feel like work on most days.

However, this week has felt extra hectic. It's not even the end of the teaching week and already I've taught over 15 classes to 5-13 year olds. On top of that, life carries on. And life with a pre schooler who has a mom dealing with infertility can be emotionally draining.

I find if I keep myself busy and over scheduled, my mind forgets I have health issues and unmet dreams. If every moment of my day is accounted for then my brain doesn't have a moment to stop and remember the pain of losing multiple pregnancies.

Then weeks like this week turn up. Weeks where my normal life load feels overwhelming and unbearable.

I frequently go back to old blog posts in moments like this. I find that rereading my past reflections is helpful. It's a good reminder that:

1. I've been in a similar chaotic place before
2. I've made it out said chaotic place in tact and with a genuine smile

Today I read a post about STILLNESS (read it here). 

Big Sur, 2016

It was a good reminder that sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the hustle of life, until life seems like a semi truck aiming straight for you. That's God's way of telling us to slow down. Slow down and lean into Him, relinquish control to Him an relish in the JOY that only HE can provide. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

— Matthew 11:28