What did he just say?

You might recall this old blog post where I wrote about Aiden's school project where he insisting he had a sister. Fast forward to last evening, a similar moment stopped me in my tracks and I had to question, "What did he just say?"

Let me get you up to speed... 

I've had 12 miscarriages, 5 of which occurred before my pregnancy with Aiden. Of those 5, there was one in particular that was far enough along that we heard the heartbeat multiple times and had a couple ultra sounds before the dreaded news. Check out an archived blog post where I share more details on this emotional miscarriage. 

After having a D&C, we found out that pregnancy was a little girl who would be in Kindergarten this year. I often wonder what kind of little brother Aiden would be if that pregnancy, or any of the other before his, had been viable.

Now back to last evening... 

Aiden and I were snuggling, watching the finale of The Voice, when a commercial highlighting a baby product came on. He said, "I'm not a baby anymore." To which I responded, "You're absolutely not!" After a few moments I asked, "Do you want mommy to have a baby?" He sat with that question for a while. I then said, "Maybe a baby brother? Or a baby sister?" To which he said, "No, I already have a sister. I have a big big (with arm gestures) sister. She lives with Jesus." His response caught me off guard and I'm pretty sure I held my breath for more than a few seconds.

What did he just say? Maybe I didn't hear correctly.

He must have picked up on my silence because he repeated, "Yea, she's my big sister and she lives with Jesus." I then asked, "Have you seen her with Jesus?" To which he responded in an assuring voice, "Yea." 

I so desperately wanted to inquire more about this proclamation. I wanted more details to fill in the gaps of the thoughts swirling in my head. Alas, my moment passed and in true 3-year old form, he changed the subject.  

I'm not proclaiming Aiden has spiritual powers. It's very possible he heard me say something a long time ago, just one time, about his big sister who lives with Jesus. With him, that's all it takes. He hears something once and his little elephant brain remembers it.  

However, I do believe that moment was no coincidence. It forced me to think about that pregnancy and remember my daughter, who I often don't allow myself to think about because the pain is still very raw. 

I may only have one child on earth, but I have 12 in heaven. 12 pregnancies that I usually view as failures. Last night was a good reminder, although they were not viable pregnancies, they are anything but failures. They are each evidence of growth, making up the woman and mom who I am today. I'm glad God put Aiden in my life and uses him to remind me of things like that.

I desire to be loved but maybe I don't deserve it.

I desire to love and be loved but there have been times in my life when I felt I didn't deserve that privledge.  

Before meeting Josh, I allowed myself to be in unhealthy relationships. These relationships didn't lift me up, and if I'm being honest, I didn't lift them up either. In fact, sometimes I replay incidents and words that came out of my mouth during those days. I'm embaressed to admit it, but my words and actions were borderline abusive. 

Then I met Josh. I wish the story ended here with me saying, "And he changed my outlook on relationships by bringing out the more loving, compassionate side of me." Unfortuantely, I didn't allow that to happen.

Josh has always had an unconditional heart. From the get go he knew the right words to lift me up even when I was convinced I didn't need a "man" to help me. For the first years of Josh and my relationship I didn't lift him up, I didn't wholehearted believe in us and I found every excuse to test his love for me. I easily got defensive and would quickly jump to anger. Oftentimes I felt he was purposefully pushing my buttons just to get me to react. In fact, early in our marriage I had a suitcase packed by the door, ready to make my escape when a disagreement or conflict ensued.

Then infertility happened and I was forced to reflect on the way I love on others, and more importantly, the way I love on myself. 

I realized I wasn't allowing Josh to really love me. I wasn't allowing myself to accept his love. Why? Because I believe I didn't deserve it.

If I'm being truthful, the negative self-talk that I allowed to run in my mind was self-distructive.

“I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not skinny enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not tough enough.
I’m not perfect enough.”

The reality is, I didn't think I was good enough. I truly didn't believe I was good enough to be loved, especially not by the special love Josh provides.

I'm still working through the journey of feeling as though I'm enough. Every day I have to make a conscious decision to allow others to lift me up and love on me. Most importantly, I need to love on myself and trust, even through infertility, that I'm enough. 

#tbt

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14 

 I absolutely love my job. I feel beyond fortunate that my job doesn't feel like work on most days.

However, this week has felt extra hectic. It's not even the end of the teaching week and already I've taught over 15 classes to 5-13 year olds. On top of that, life carries on. And life with a pre schooler who has a mom dealing with infertility can be emotionally draining.

I find if I keep myself busy and over scheduled, my mind forgets I have health issues and unmet dreams. If every moment of my day is accounted for then my brain doesn't have a moment to stop and remember the pain of losing multiple pregnancies.

Then weeks like this week turn up. Weeks where my normal life load feels overwhelming and unbearable.

I frequently go back to old blog posts in moments like this. I find that rereading my past reflections is helpful. It's a good reminder that:

1. I've been in a similar chaotic place before
2. I've made it out said chaotic place in tact and with a genuine smile

Today I read a post about STILLNESS (read it here). 

Big Sur, 2016

It was a good reminder that sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the hustle of life, until life seems like a semi truck aiming straight for you. That's God's way of telling us to slow down. Slow down and lean into Him, relinquish control to Him an relish in the JOY that only HE can provide. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

— Matthew 11:28