The art project that stopped me in my tracks.

Sometimes things happen to me that stops me in my tracks and I question, "Did that just happen?" ​

​Aiden is currently studying the theme HOME in pre-school. I dropped him off at school this morning and found a project he had completed at school in his cubbie. He was tasked to cut and paste pictures from magazines that represented who lived in his home.

1. Latin mom ✔️

2. Dark haired boy who obviously loves arts and crafts - hence the smock ✔️

3. A white dad (I'm confused why he's holding corn. Maybe Aiden is saluting Josh's Nebraska heritage?)

Aiden's teacher saw me observing the project and asked, "Is there a baby in the home?" Taken aback I answered, "Absolutely not!"  It wasn't until that moment that I even realized there was a cut out of a baby pasted right next to the mother figure. This cut out was huge, how did I miss it?

His teacher went on to explain Aiden was adamant about including a baby, specifically a baby girl, in the picture.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Is he really understanding the countless stories I've shared with him about his 12 brothers and sisters in heaven? Does he really remember seeing me cry as I wrote my blog post about my daughter, his sister, who would be in kindergarten this year?

I started getting teary-eyed and explained to his teacher that I've experienced many miscarriages and that perhaps Aiden was referring to those babies who are part of our family in heaven.

Then the most beautiful thing happened. Aiden's teacher and I had a short, yet very vulnerable, conversation about loss. She told me about her experience with losing a child in the womb. We began to empathize with one another over the difficulty of the journey. My heart hurt for her. Her heart hurt for me. It was a special moment that I couldn't have created even if I tired. 

I didn't create it, God did. He knew I needed an insight into Aiden's sympathetic mind and He knew the teacher needed an opportunity to reflect and feel supported.  We both needed a moment to dialogue and connect with someone who finds themselves in the world of losing a child.

I got in the car and started weeping. My tears were a mixture of sadness for the teacher but also at amazement in seeing God's work. Proof you can experience JOY in the midst of grief.

The child I didn't think I deserved.

Lake Annecy, France '15

As I struggled getting pregnant, I started to believed I deserved the hardship. I thought I wasn't a good enough person to become a mom. I recall thinking, "You're not good at this wife thing, what makes you think you would be good at being a mom?"  

That state of mind hindered me from being who I was suppose to be. I allowed the negative view of myself to define who I was, how others saw me and what I deserved - or lack there of.

With each pregnancy lost, my hope began to dwindle. With each miscarriage I began to believe I was being punished for unhealthy life choices I made in my past. I spent many days wishing I could go back in time to make things right.

In my deepest moment, May 2011, I knew I had hit rock bottom. I desperately desired to feel better but didn't know how to get there.

Thankfully I have a husband who talks truth into my life, even when I shut it down and don't want to hear it. I have a fertility acupuncturist who puts needles in me to support fertility but also asks the tough questions and requires me to unpack the most toxic relationship in my life, the relationship with myself. I truly believe God speaks to me through these two.

It took a long time, years in fact, for me to see the labor of my hard work. I began to experience small moments of viewing myself with positive self-worth. 

Roseville, CA '15

When I finally got pregnant and found out I was having a son, I cried. Not because I didn't want a son, but because for the first time in my life I felt worthy to be a mom. 

NYC, '13

​God speaks to me often through Aiden. I'm constantly telling Aiden, "Guess what... You're special."​ On his own, unprompted, he started responding, "You're special too, Mommy!" I have no doubt that's God's way of reminding me of that simple truth on a constant basis.

That smile melts my heart. 

Faith is not knowing the future, but knowing who is in charge of the future.

Faith is a tricky thing because it's rooted in something that isn't tangible. Rather, its rooted in reflection. 

I'm such a reflective practitioner yet my level of faith is not always as high as it should be. My personal goal is to strengthen my faith, but how does one go about doing that?

I realize my reflection usually encompasses self-improvement, ways I can make myself better. I rarely reflect with JOY and GRATITUDE, acknowledging thankfulness for all things - big and small - God has provided in my life.

That needs to change.

I'm starting to see in order to have faith I need to of had a previous moment in my life that gives me reason to believe the outcome will be abundant. Without acknowledging JOY and GRATITUDE on a regular basis, it's no wonder my faith is constantly wavering.

I need to remember the past in order to be reminded how previous outcomes have played out. I need to recall the amazing things happening - usually after they have been done, to note it and show gratitude for it. 

Our faith grows when we respond and reflect with gratitude.

“By following God’s commands to stop, reflect, worship, and sacrifice, these memories become the very fabric of their faith.”

— Unknown

A key predictor of our obedience in the future is remembering God’s goodness in the past.