Mommy, you're crying... again???

This is the question Aiden posed to me last night. Yep, I was crying... again! 

In the last month or so I've cried in front of Aiden more times than I can keep track of. In addition to those many moments I can't recall reasons for, there was once after finding out his nanny made the decision to leave us and another was when I found out my father-in-law has stage 4 cancer. The night I'm describing, the night Aiden asked why I was crying... again, was initiated out of fear - topped with a dose of reality.

Right before the waterworks began Aiden was playing with his Micky Mouse stuffed animal, pretending it was "his baby", rocking him to sleep and soothing him as he cried. It was in that moment I realized, Aiden may NEVER have a similar experience with a baby sibling. He may NEVER have that special moment of meeting a sibling for the first time, taking that infamous 'first look' photo - his brother or sister swaddled so sweetly in my arms and his eyes gazing lovingly into the baby's eyes. He may NEVER experience the pride of helping take care of a baby or learn the life skills that come along with sibling spats.

For that, I feel guilty. I have the ability to change his circumstance. I have the ability to bring a sibling for him into this world. At least I thought I did. Apparently my body, and God, have other plans.

As I began to have a pity party I quickly remembered that earlier that morning another month cycle proved to be unsuccessful. To top it off, I was 4 days late this month - so for 96ish hours I was living in the possibility that I may be pregnant. For 4 days I was trying to tune in to see if I had any pregnancy signs. This morning I was proved wrong. This morning I had to accept the reality that another month of possibility gone, another month without a pregnancy, another month of my body failing me. 

So, now what?

Now I try to pull up my bootstraps, pray and find that glimmer of hope in my heart that exists deep down in the trenches between disparity and despair. It's in that glimmer of hope that I persevere into another month and hold onto the joys I have in my life. It's through this hope that I find the courage to be joyful for what I've been blessed with, even when it's hard to find words of thanksgiving.