A Christmas funk.

When I was a little girl I absolutely loved the Christmas season. I have fond memories of going to the Christmas tree lot and watching in amazement as they flocked our tree. My mom would go all out with decorations, decorating inside and outside to the extreme! There was always something magical when the Christmas tree was lit and no other lights in the room were on. I remember sitting on the floor, basically under the tree, looking up into the tree and watching the flicker of the lights glimmer on each branch, from one pine needle to the next. And the music! There's something about Christmas music that made my heart leap for joy. 

When I got married the Christmas season continued to be special. I attempted to decorate as elaborately as my mom, never quite meeting that level of expertise. Regardless, I would relish in the moments of the lit Christmas tree and my husband and I would snuggle on the couch in newlywed bliss.

Then infertility stuck! The Christmas magic was lost. I would listen to the music of the season, the same songs that use to make me smile, and feel nothing. For over five years I dreaded Christmas. I dreaded feeling that heaviness of something void in my life.

I remember one Christmas in particular I was setting up the mantle, arranging and fluffing the garland. Then came time to hang the stockings. There were only two to hang, one for my husband and one for me. I remember thinking how lame the mantle looked. I began to cry, the hard sobbing kind, wishing there was child's stocking to bring completion to this holiday tradition. I wished there was a child to bring back the joy to this holiday.

I've spent three Christmas seasons, this being my fourth, as a mom and you know what? Up until this year I had a similar empty sensation over the holiday. Just last year I put up our, now three, stockings and cried because I couldn't help but think of my miscarriages and the babies that should be with us. I had a son, I had that extra stocking to hang, yet it wasn't good enough.

This realization about the Christmas funk has only come to me recently as I reflect on why this year is different. I actually expected it to feel void given the passing of my father-in-law a few months ago and the fact that my dad continues to struggle with cancer.

But you know what? The magic is back. The joyfulness that I felt as a child has returned. Maybe it's the Chinese herbs my acupuncturist has me on (thanks Ease Plus!) or maybe it's because for the first time in a long time I'm no longer waiting for infertility to go away. I'm no longer waiting to get pregnant again. I'm no longer anticipating or counting the days of my cycle. For the first time in months, in years really, I'm at peace with what my life. I'm actually able to relish in the moments of the season. I'm able to say with confidence, my life has enough and I'm enough.

As for the stockings on the mantle? I haven't put them up yet. Not purposefully but in hindsight, probably the best decision of the season! 

#tbt Photo

We all have those photos that we take and laugh about in the moment, then forget about a day or two later.

In my latest phone photo organization, I found this gem of a picture. It's almost a year old but I have a vivid recollection of this moment. On his own, Aiden decided to model with the clothing display. It was one of the first times the comedic side of him began to shine through. Love this lil buddy more and more each day.

Traveling with Tots

 Annecy, France '15

When my husband and I got married we made a promise to eachother to embrace and encourage family travel, ideally going somewhere far away 1x a year.  

Capri, Italy '10

Our pre-child adventures were always jammed packed with city explorations, picture taking and food/bar crawls.

Spain '09

The amount of sleep we got on vacation was usually minimal in comparison to our non vacation life, trying not to miss out on anything. 

Tahiti, '14

The year Aiden was born was the first time since meeting J and I didn't travel out of the country. Although flying out of the country wasn't in the cards, we made sure to visit places in the US, providing Aiden the experience of travel. In his first year of life Aiden had traveled to 6 US states.

NYC '13

I remember the first few times we traveled one would have thought we were moving out of our house. We packed what we thought were essentials, the thought of living without such things seemed catastrophic. (Insert new parent mentality here.)  It never failed, we return home with half the essentials untouched and unused. As such, within that first year each time we traveled our necessities pile decreased in size and our suitcases got lighter.

Last summer we went on a family vacation to the South of France. To an outside eye, traveling out of the country for a couple of weeks with a 2-year-old might seem nuts. On the contrary, it was one of the best experience we've done as a family thus far. 

France, '15

Unlike J and my pre-kid travel, this vacation had a slower, very loose agenda giving us the opportunity to explore things on a whim - often leading to finding special things we would have overlooked if we had a pre-planned itinerary. ​Aiden was still on a consistent nap schedule so we often returned to our abode for a couple hours midday, which had perks. Aiden picked up some basic French just by being immersed in it, although the that new skill quickly evaporated upon returning to the States. 

Lavender fields galore. Provance, France '15

Aiden may have no memory of this adventure, but I'm certain his life was changed forever because of it. 

 Provence, France 2015

I'm a huge advocate for traveling with kids, no matter how young. It seems overwhelming at first, but quickly becomes the norm. I view our time abroad as special time to reconnect as a family and experience new adventures together.