Its not the end, it's a new chapter.

My ideal timeline looked like this: 

Date, get engaged, get married, go on a honeymoon and sometime shortly after that, start trying to have a baby. Two years later, have a second child, and somewhere down the line a third and possible a fourth. Yep, I'm that odd LA mom who dreams of having 4 kids, a rare breed on my side of town!

I decided to start trying for baby #1 in the Spring of 2010. Up to this point I was super fortunate to have my desired life timeline play out according to plan. So you can imagine my surprise when month one, then month two passed without a positive pregnancy test. Come July, I was getting antsy and decided to see the "Queen Victoria" (thank you Rosie Pope for that special name) doctor. 

Here I was, four months into trying to conceive and already I was at the doctor. Why did I go to the doctor so soon? I'm not sure, to be honest. Perhaps a part of me knew something was not right from the get go. After doing the normal/basic yearly exam, I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist, otherwise known as a Baby Making Doctor. 

This began the first of many fights with Josh. I wanted to start fertility treatments (aka, clomid), even though at the time I had no clue what that entailed. Josh wanted to give it more time. The more we argued about this, the more I felt unheard. 

So after many heated discussions, some that turned ugly, we scheduled our first appointment. I was ignorant, maybe even beyond ignorant - if that's possible. I really thought I was going to attend this appointment and everything would be fine. I assumed we would go through a test or two, find out nothing was wrong, and be pregnant that month.

Far from it!

It took 3 years, 4 rounds of clomid, 5 miscarriages and 5 surgeries/procedures before falling pregnant with Aiden. Add to that another 3 years, 2 surgeries/procedures, 3 menapure cycles, 7 additional miscarriages and a ton of emotional burden later, we are now entering an reproductive immunology protocol in trying for our 2nd child. This includes getting LIT (aka= getting vaccine made up of Josh's white blood cells), IVIG, steroid shots, hormone cocktail - and thats only naming a few. 

While this new chapter is a little overwhelming, I'm glad that it's just that - a NEW CHAPTER. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on our choices of the past - the choice to do menapure cycles, the choice to endure poking and prodding in uncomfortable places on my body. But there's something HOPEFUL in trying something new, in moving forward instead of repeating or holding onto the past. I'm putting my faith in God, as I pray for a different outcome.