The summer I realized being a SAHM wasn't for me

Growing up, I dreamt of being a stay at home mom (SAHM). I imagined waking up early to make delectable lunches (along with a cute note), volunteering to be class mom, spearheading class fundraisers and organizing fun after-school activities - all while being a perfect homemaker wife. 

Then I got married. I tried to be the perfect homemaker, attempting to schedule dinner coming out of the oven as my husband walked in the door. I think in my mind I envisioned wearing a super cute apron, too - which never happened!

Oye!

I failed miserably. I can't count how many times dinner was late and/or burnt, laundry failed to get transferred to the dryer from the washer and how many days ended in tears. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I was working at a job I loved. I couldn't imagine leaving, especially since this job had become my "baby" as I was struggling to get pregnant. I had given so much time and energy into my work that it became more than part of my life, it was my identity. So much so, I returned to work when Aiden was only 6-weeks old.

I quickly discovered the difficulty of being a working mom with a newborn. I was exhausted, didn't have enough time to pump so I got mastitis three times and missed my baby like mad - leading me to resent the job I loved so much and resent the child I had desired for years. I felt like I wasn't good ENOUGH to do both jobs, let alone do them well. 

Shortly thereafter, I recalled my childhood dream of being "that mom" and made the decision to stay home with Aiden.

Cooper Beach set-up, spent many a mornings here. 

Later that year, my husband's work took us to the east coast, where we lived in the Hamptons for the Summer. For the first time in Aiden's life, he could rely on me 24/7 without worrying when I would return from work. I tried to be the perfect mom, attempting to wake up early to make a hot breakfast and researched "fun things to do with a toddler" in Long Island. In my mind I imagined wearing super cute, trendy clothes, too. Once again, I failed miserably. 

My clothes weren't Hamptons chic, I initially had no friends and I quickly discovered being a SAHM is hard. I found myself wishing I had a job to go to, a place where I wasn't pawed at, a place to be alone - in silence.

I would literally countdown the hours until my husband got home from work. Usually that meant he would walk in the door, I'd hand off parent responsibilities and escape to the bathroom for alone time.

Don't get me wrong, my son was an easy toddler. He was easily entertained, smiled frequently and went with the flow. While he had emotional meltdowns, they rarely escalated into tantrums. 

So what was the big deal you might ask? I can say it in two words...

UNMET EXPECTATIONS!

It wasn't until I was in our new home, in the thick of our time on the East Coast, that I realized I had an expectation of what that summer would entail, an expectation that was not being met, leading me to not appreciate or notice the JOYS that were surrounding me. 

Beach bums

I envisioned loving my quality one-on-one time with my son. The reality was, I was more exhausted after a day with him than I was after working a 10-hour work day. My fancy lunches were unfancy and on the go, followed by a play session at the park, ALONE, with a young toddler. It took a long time to make friends, even then they tended to be unauthentic because I was throwing myself at other mammas to fulfill an ache for adult conversations. I thought I would love my new freedom, but it just made me miss my home, friends and family that much more.

I'm embarrassed to say I was frequently frazzled and didn't give Aiden the time and attention he needed, often counting down the hours until nap time, which never came soon enough. 

Blueberry picking at Seven Ponds Orchard

Needless to say, I expected to embrace my SAHM title. Instead, I resented it. 

While I love being a mom, and waited a long time to be given that title, I'm a much better mom when I work. Now, after a day of work, I soak up every moment with Aiden, making these moments intentional time together. Even though his nanny spends the most time with him during the week, I know I make Aiden feel safe and loved, which is ultimately what every mom, stay at home or not, desires for their kids.

In addition, my expectations shifted. I made a promise to myself and to Aiden to be the perfect working mamma, knowing the definition of perfection would be redefined each day, giving me the ability to acknowledge daily that I did ENOUGH, I loved ENOUGH and I am ENOUGH. 

East Hampton, 2014

8 Things I Learned During My Summer In the Hamptons.

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Amagansett, 2014

The South Fork of Long Island. Once known for it's farming community with good potato ground, has become popular by way of shows like The Real Housewives of NYC and Khloe & Kortney Take the Hamptons. 

My husband's work took us to the Hampton for 6 weeks in 2014. My time in this new place didn't start off positively and there was guilt surrounding this. Wasn't I supposed to be happy and satisfied, I was in the Hampton's for pete's sake! Unfortunately it took 3 weeks for things to turn around, and another 3 weeks to realize just how much JOY was present in my life during that summer away.

In hindsight, I wish I had appreciated my time in the Hamptons with more gratitude. On the other end of things, I reflect on my memories now and can't help but laugh. The things that occurred were so radical and ridiculous, you can't make this stuff up.

East Hampton, 2014

8 Things I learned during my Summer in the Hamptons:

1. I needed a support group of women and moms.

While my morning Starbucks date with Aiden was special, I was envious of women who had coffee dates with one another.  They all seemed to be dressed so chic, chatting and supporting each other.  There were many times I would sneak out like a world class ninja, hoping not be spotted with my toddler's yogurt splattered down my maxi dress. I desperately wanted someone I could talk to who wouldn't poop in their pants while I was pouring my heart out.

2. I appreciated the time I had with my son but being a SAHM was not for me.

The first couple of days was the honeymoon phase.  I had arrived in this new town fully equipped with a pre loaded calendar of activities.  Unfortunately, the Hamptons was bigger than I realized and our scheduled activities were over an hour away or "members only" access. At first I didn't let that get me down. We filled our days swimming in our pool, going to the park or walking around the village. Then the hard work of being a SAHM sank in. The loneliness and monotony began to drive me bananas. No amount of celeb watching helped. So I decided I needed to befriend another mom.

3. Dating other moms is tough. Dating other moms in the Hamptons was awkward, especially when you realize she's returning to Manhattan the next day, or is she?

Back in the day, when I was single and attempting to meet guys at bars, I had no problem initiating conversation. I would make sure to balance my responses with nods and laughter, and a little bit of, "Wow, you're so awesome." A compliment goes a long way, right? When I would think, "this is going so well!", the odd moment would arrive, when the conversation would start to lose momentum. I would awkwardly wait to see if he would ask for my number or find a way to ask for his. More often than not, right when I would get up the nerve, he would politely excuse himself.

Fast forward seven years, I was in the same position. This time I traded the bar for a park, and a guy for a mom-friend. I was new in town with an 18-month-old, attempting to meet other mommies. I had no problem initiation conversation as we pushed our kids on the swings. I would balance my responses with nods and laughter, and a little bit of, "Wow, you're awesome." Sound familiar? Right when I would think, "this is going so well, I'm going to schedule a play date!", that infamous odd moment would arrive and the conversation would start to lose momentum. Right when I would get up the nerve to ask for her number to schedule a play date, she would politely excuse herself.

Then one day, after many tries - I got a number! I was beyond ecstatic. Our kids were the same age with the same temperament. I quickly began imagining the many morning coffee dates we would have, similar to the ones I envied every morning at Starbucks. If I'm being honest, I was already thinking of how Aiden and I would visit yearly - just to recreate the "good ol' days" of the Summer of 2014. As she packed up she said, "I'll call you IF we return to the Hamptons in a few weeks." Turns out her family was returning to Manhattan the next day, or was she? Maybe that's just what she just told me to soften the blow. Regardless, I never heard from this mom again.

4. Hamptons FIT4MOM  was my lifeline.

In the same way I was desperate for a mommy friends, I was aching for a good workout.  I tried running but quickly remembered without the motivation of others, my run turned into a jog- if that. Then I found Hamptons Fit4Mom and my life shifted.  I suddenly had a daily place to go where other moms supported me and accepted my quirky tendencies.  Getting a good workout was secondary, it was a bonus. I started hanging out with this group of moms outside of working out - play dates, lunches, date nights, wake boarding, etc.  They even connected me to an awesome babysitter so that J and I could have an occasional date night. These moms become my friends and my lifeline.

5. Pure Barre Southampton gave me my mojo back.

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Pure Barre Southampton Studio - handless mic on, ready to teach.

I had recently started teaching at Pure Barre Brentwood a few months before our Hamptons move. I reached out to the Southampton location to get a class schedule; the next thing I knew, I was guest teaching a couple classes a week. Having something that was a resemblance of home made a huge difference. I met some awesome gals through this studio, and even had the privilege of teaching Madame Vice President, Joy Biden - secret service and all.

6. Triple check your rental home has a mail box before using your Amazon Prime account.

In an attempt of being prepared,  I ordered all of Aiden's supplies before we left L.A. I assumed the items would be waiting for us at our home when we arrived in the Hamptons. Turns out, our house didn't have a mailbox.  In the Hamptons, no mailbox - no mail of any kind.

7. Garbage pick up doesn't happen unless you schedule it.

Our garbage cans got full fast. We kept waiting for the garbage truck to arrive. Then one day it did, but it passed our house and went only to a few homes on the block. Turns out garbage trucks don't automatically stop at all house. You need to schedule a pick up.  Side note - we tried throwing our garbage bags away in a dumpster in town, only to be yelled at by a crotchety old lady who claimed it was illegal to throw trash in dumpsters. Seriously?

8. The beaches are divine.

Pictures of JOY

During the summer of 2014, my husband's work took us to the Hamptons for the summer. Our 6-week stay was filled with an array of emotions (tune in to tomorrow's post to get more details). Our last afternoon in this beautiful town was spent feeding the ducks at the local pond, followed by a drive around town, reminiscing on our favorite "go to" spots. Something prompted us to stop at the beach, a particular strip we had not visited before.

I have a vivid memory of standing at the top edge of the sand, looking to my right and seeing the view of the picture below. In the blink of an eye, the prior 6-weeks flashed before me and I felt a sense of comfort, contentment, and JOY - something I hadn't felt in a while.

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When I looked to my left, my view was the photo below. My feelings of comfort, contentment, and JOY seemed to be depicted through the subjects in this photo.  There's something about the simplicity of their intentions - a summer evening, a casual BBQ on the beach, chatting with friends - that depicts the definition of everyday JOY.

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This moment continues to be a vivid memory of mine, so much so that I chose to use one of the photos on my website WELCOME page.  Looking at these photos takes me back to that moment in time. I can smell the salty air, hear and feel the gentle breeze flowing past my ears and I feel a sense of comfort, contentment and JOY.