3 More Hearts

Last July I got a string of hearts tattooed on my left foot, 8 hearts representing each of my miscarriages. This past weekend I added 3 more hearts, for the 3 babies who joined their siblings in heaven over the last ten months.

Interesting enough, the first tattoo happened to be placed on the pressure point that Chinese Medicine considers the "uterus opening point". This was a total coincidence, yet I love how God beautifully orchestrated that.

I don't remember the first tattoo hurting much, it was more uncomfortable than painful. This round was different. No amount of distraction helped, I found myself clinching and counting the seconds until it was done. 

That night I realized why it was so painful. I had naievly assumed my first tattoo was the end of my infertility journey. I had mentally and emotionally planned for the first. I wasn't thrilled about needing to add to it, but felt internal pressure to represent the babies I recently lost. What kind of mother would I be if I acknowledged the first 8 and not all 11?

In addition, since my initial tattoo experience I've started this blog, which has allowed a lot of stuffed emotions to emerge. While it's emotionally uncomfortable to sort through my past, I know it's necessary. With an abundance of raw emotions regarding my infertility being unpacked on a weekly basis, it's no wonder my tattoo, the thing that is a visual reminder of my lost babies - located right on the uterus pressure point, brought forth physiological pain. 

People who aren't aware of my infertility journey often ask what my tattoo represents. Most people assume I have an obsession with hearts. I'm very transparent and tell them, it's my scarlet letter of sorts, one that I proudly wear on display to bring awareness to infertility and the many women who have experienced a miscarriage, and to remember my 11 babies in heaven.