To attend, or not to attend. Or maybe just avoid?

I played t-ball when I was 5-years-old. I know, you can't imagine this dancer girl playing any sports. To be honest, I stunk! 

I remember not wanting to go to my games because I was afraid of being unsuccessful, knowing I hated the feeling of failure. Don't get me wrong, I failed in other areas in my life but for some reason, this particular failure was hard to digest. My 5-year-old stubbornness usually played in my favor and I would force myself to go to games, butterflies/anxiety and all!

I never succeeded at t-ball. My eye-hand coordination stunk, I threw anywhere but straight, and I wasn't a fast runner. However, I still fulfilled my commitment to attend games and finish off the season. 

I look back on those days and wonder where that stubbornness lies in me now. That stubbornness that all those years ago, propelled me to do things that weren't in my comfort zone, despite the butterflies and anxiety. 

As I type this, I'm forced to mentally prepare to go to an event tonight where there will be pregnant women, and I'm DREADING it!

The thing is, I know there will be WOMEN A - a handful of pregnant women in attendance. There will be WOMEN B - another handful of women who are talking about how they are "trying to get pregnant". There will be WOMEN C - a handful of women giving their advice to WOMEN B on "the best technique to ensure this month is the month". Lastly, there will be WO/MEN D - those men and women who ask me when I'm going to start trying for another kid. 

The attendance at this event is expected to be high, so while the number of people who fall into the categories described above is small, my view on the crowd is distorted. As odd as it sounds, I know I will look through the crowd with "pregnancy eyes and ears". I get so hyper focused on this that I start to think any conversation I pass is in reference to babies and pregnancy. I start to view all women as being pregnant, almost like they're all wearing fake baby-bumps. 

Here's what I know:

*I know I will attend and avoid all pregnant people, almost like I'm avoiding the plague.
*I know my emotions will likely take the best of me and I'll leave the event early. 
*I know, despite having an allergic reaction earlier today, I've already thought of a million excuses why I can't attend, all of which I couldn't bring myself to follow through on.
*I know this event won't kill me. 

The thing is, I hate that my mind goes to such a negative place. I don't like feeling anxious and on edge, yet I can't help it. I wish my five-year-old self was the one having to handle this situation. So unless some magical El Nino flood occurs in the next hour, I have to attend. I'm hoping my 5-year-old stubbornness comes out, propelled me to do this thing that isn't in my comfort zone, despite the butterflies and anxiety. 

Or maybe I'll drink a bottle of wine and not care about anything I just wrote above!