The Forgotten Wedding Vow

Our wedding, Saddlerock Ranch, '09

Josh and I find ourselves in an interesting fertility predicament. I'm not sick per se, but I have several things wrong with my body that are preventing me from holding onto a pregnancy. I had a slew of immunology testing done over the summer. Results came back and I have a list of issues:

An overactive immune system

Genetic mutation for blood clotting disorders

High levels of natural killer cells

Low serentinine levels

Genetic mutation for thyroid disease

All of which equates to a radical protocol BEFORE we even get clearance to try and conceive.

So am I sick? I don't really know how to answer that. I guess technically I have more than one autoimmune diseases. All that's to say my emotional state was in a deep dark place after receiving the news.

I began to wonder what I did to my body to make it not work properly. Why do I,  dancer who uses my body every single day for work, not feel connected to it anymore? Why is my body forsaking me? Why can't it just work the way it's suppose to?

A slew of questions, all unanswered.

With each unanswered question came another penny in my negative self-worth jar. (It's not really a jar but you get the imagery attempt, right?)  Pretty soon that jar was so heavy that I began to think irrationally.

I began to think my husband and son didn't deserve to have a wife/mother who was broken. They both deserve to expand their family and they should be able to do so without such obstacles in their way. I began to think how easy it would be to pack up and leave, only to shoot myself down by realizing Josh would beat me to the front door and insist I stay. In that case, if I can't leave I decided to make it really easy for HIM to leave ME. I started treating him poorly, pushing aside our relationship, not speaking to him except when Aiden was around and going to sleep before he even realized I was in bed. If I couldn't leave the marriage very easily, I was going to make it easy for him, give him excuses, to want to leave. The more he didn't budge, the more disrespectful, and desperate, I became.

When we got married we made a vow to stay with one another in "sickness and in health, till death do us part". I always thought of that vow from the perspective of the caretaker - as in, if Josh got sick I wouldn't leave him. Which is true, that thought wouldn't even pass through my brain.

Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks. It's obvious to me I wouldn't leave our marriage if Josh got sick but what if I got sick? That vow goes the other way, too. According to our vow, if I where to get sick I'm not to leave him either.

May seem obvious to you but this was a game changer. I not only take my marriage vows seriously but I whole heartedly believe in them. By shifting my mindset just a wee bit, I started to see the clouds open up and I no longer was in a deep dark place. The reality of what it's going to take for us to expand our family is going to be a journey, but it's one that I wouldn't want to do with anyone else but Josh.