#tbt Returning to dance class

This #tbt has all the feels. I hesitate to post it because of my own insecurities, especially leading up to a new school year of teaching.

Often, I feel like a phony, feeling like I have no business teaching dance and sharing my craft. I frequently doubt my abilities, both technical skill and pedagogy acumen. That negative self talk leads to a lot of regret, a lot of wishing I had made different choices.

What if I had gone to a conservatory college program, maybe my professional resume would reflect my ability. Why did I opt for a typical college experience with the football team and Greek life? What if I had taken more risks and allowed and embraced feeling uncomfortable by stretching my ability and my confidence?

What many don't know, simply because I'm embarrassed, is I chose to gave up a spot training with Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater due to a knee dislocation. Or at least that's what I've told myself for over a decade. Now I can be real with myself and yes, I had an injury, but once rehabbed, there was no reason I couldn't return. Instead I allowed my insecurities of NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH to hinder my growth, to stand in the way of doing something I deserved. As part of working through this, I decided to force myself to go outside my comfort zone this summer.

Since having Aiden, the time I have to get into a dance class is slim to none. The last time I performed I was 4 months pregnant. This is NOT OKAY. As a dance educator, I should be in the field, taking class and expanding my craft. Thus, I made a promise to myself to get my booty into class this summer, even if it meant feeling uncomfortable.

You see, the thing is, I like feeling all the good feelings of going to class, but I don't like feeling ALL the negative feelings, the self-critical, insufficient feelings, know what I mean? So I dedicated myself to go and see my attendance as the victory, not focusing on the product. If I got myself in the door and through class, win win. Picking up movement quickly, feeling flexible and feeling capable were an added bonus.

Then the teacher posted this video on his Instagram recently. It's from my first class of the summer, back in June. At first glance I only saw all the corrections I would have given myself. My self-sabotaging eye/ dance teacher constructive lenses was in full effect as I watched. Then I remembered the promise I made to myself, the goal was to get in the door.  

Regardless if my movement looks good or not, I feel proud of myself for going and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable.

I can't believe I'm posting this video for others to view. But you know what? I tell Aiden and my kids to doing things that makes them uncomfortable on a daily basis - why?? Because it builds character, leading to confidence and equaling success. So here's to practicing what I preach.