I didn't connect with my baby right away.

I dreamt of the day I would give birth to a child years before I fell pregnant. In doing so, I created an expectation of what that day (notice I called it a single day) would look and feel like.

So many specific details were thought out ahead of time that my written out birth plan was pretty specific. I knew what types of drugs I wanted (ideally none!) and when to offer them to me (and not a cm earlier). I was so consumed with having a natural birth I even had a doula who worked with me months before I was due and provided me support, breathing help, imagery and massage during labor. The last thing in my birth plan read was something to the effect, "It's okay if steps outside of this plan need to be take to keep the baby and mother healthy." But my over controlling nature knew I threw I didn't really think things would go differently than what I had planned, wanted or expected.

I imagined my labor to be short (I'm a dancer after all, won't the baby just slide out?). I desired to have that quality skin-to-skin time while my child looked into my eyes and experience that insta-love so many of my friends talked about.

Aiden's birth story is anything but what I described above. My water leaked, it never actually broke, but leaked for a few days. I went into labor and after 7 or 8 hours had contractions that were 2 mins apart. I remember thinking, "I knew it! I knew this would be a short labor!" Only to go to the hospital to find out my kid was sunny-side up and I was only 2cm dialtated. After 32 hours of labor (yep, multiple days in labor!), I had a c-section. I couldn't do skin-to-skin time because my arms were strapped to a table and I had no sensation in half my body. 

I hadn't even researched what a c-section involved because I was convinced that would happen to me. 

I got to hold Aiden for a few brief moments in the recovery room and it felt like I was holding someone else's baby. He was cute, smelled good but I didn't have that insta-love I expected.

As Josh took Aiden to the nursery to get his first bath I remember thinking, "I love my babies in heaven more than my baby on earth? What's wrong with me?"

24 hours passed and I continued to struggle with our connection. I felt like I was taking care of a baby that wasn't mine. I had trouble breastfeeding, I still couldn't feel the lower half of my body and I had a stupid compression contraption on my legs to help with post c-section blood flow. I feared I would never connect with Aiden and I feared he would resent me for not giving birth to him the "normal" way. 

Almost 48 hrs later we were in the NICU after Aiden stopped breathing. It was at point that my life stopped. I actually don't remember the next few days very well. It's a blur.

But I do remember crying out to God, "Please don't take another baby from me! I promise to love him just as much as I love my babies who are with you in heaven." 

It was at this point that I realize I DID love Aiden just as much as the babies that came before him. What I didn't love was that my expectation of his birth story was different than what actually came to fluition. 

That's the thing about expectation - when not met, it can deprive you of finding the JOY that surrounds you. For whatever reason, I felt like not having a natural birth would decrease the connectivity and love Aiden and I felt for one another. The reality is, I was the one blocking that from happening. In fact I missed out on the JOY of the first 48 hours of his life because I was so consumed with not have the perfect birth story I dreamt of.

So while I didn't have a natural birth that included Aiden going through the birth canal and I didn't have that insta-love, I no longer let it define the connectivity we now have for one another, and it certainly doesn't mean I love him any less.