I'm Back!

Why haven’t I written a new post in the last few months? Honestly? I thought I had come to an acceptance with my infertility. (The key word– thought.) I’m no longer allowing my diagnosis to define who I am so why should I keep blogging? I’m not allowing infertility to strip the joy from my life, so why do I need to keep journaling my process?

After a 4-year battle with cancer, my dad passed away right before Easter. I was flooded with emotions, obviously grieving the loss of an important, steadfast, person in my life. More so, it took this life event to show me I had become really good at shoving down and masking my real and raw emotions in life. I had created scabs over wounds of loss (loss of babies, loss of a dream, loss of a working female body) and allowed myself to think I was “okay”.  

If I’m being honest, I had stopped blogging because I thought I had it all together – which is far from the truth. In hopes of not letting my infertility define me, I had allowed myself to live in this false reality where my infertility wasn’t part of me. Infertility may not define me, but it is part of my story and has woven who I am today. The experiences I have lived have shaped my heart and given me wisdom about my faith. It’s given a voice to a topic that is not talked about much and created dialogue amongst an on-line community that I didn’t know existed. While my journey has evolved, shifted and changed in the last few months, there is still a ton of work to be done. I don’t define myself by infertility, nor do I let it strip me of joy, but I am committing myself to the healing process, allowing the wounds to be exposed and mended.

The anti "I hate you, 2016" post.

As I sat down to write my "I hate you, 2016" post, I began to feel convicted. Sure, I can easily write a long list (more like a chapter book) of crappy things that happened in the last 12 months; which includes my father-in-law's passing, my dad's struggle with cancer and my 3 miscarriages. But let's be real, that's not helpful. I'm not saying I should ignore the events that happened, they shaped the person and the heart that is entering a new year, but a ton of fierce and fabulous things occurred amongst the struggles.

In an effort to end the year for a grateful heart, I forced myself to trash the hate post and find 6 highlights to be grateful for.

--------------------------------------------

1. In february I crossed my line of bravery and started an infertility blog, challenging myself to find JOY in everyday life.

2. In March we celebrated Little Man's 3rd birthday and had some adventures in Big Sur, CA.

3. I completed something new and scary in May, choreographing a musical with 300+ performers that opened at The Wiltern. a historic theater in Los Angeles.

4. Our annual family vacation included adventures in Italy and London. I was challenged to live out my life motto of finding JOY as I miscarried while in Europe.

5. Little Man started preschool in September, which brought forth more excitement than tears from both of us.

6. The end of the year challenged me to fully commit to finding JOY in everyday life. For the first time in over a decade I found JOY in the holiday season, a time that is usually rough for me. Although I experienced another miscarriage, I was able to carry a JOYFUL heart and allowed others to love and speak truth into me. 

--------------------------------------

So while 2016 handed me my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment, when I reflect on the year through a lens of gratefulness and JOY, I realize I rocked the year more than I thought. 

Cheers to a fierce and fabulous new year. Bring it on, 2017.

Surrendering

Surrendering is a necessity for survival, it's not an option.

The planner in me had my life figured out. For as long as I could remember I was always working towards a goal. Every decision I made drew me closer to said goal, which when met, turned into a new goal.

Then infertility became my scarlet letter. When I was first diagnosed I was ashamed and didn't accept it as my reality. Why? Because it was different than what I had planned. Obviously my goal wasn't to be infertile myrtle. I failed to surrender to the journey God presented to me. 

Have I completely surrendered? If I'm being real, NOPE. Some days I feel like I have and some days I feel helpless, and I know darn well that helplessness comes from a lack of surrender.

A good friend told me I have to completely surrender to the process, to what God presents in my life. She explained I will have some suffering but that it will be peppered with tremendous HOPE.

How am I supposed to completely surrender when I keep getting knocked off my feet again and again? How am I to trust in God's plan when he mistakenly takes my babies away from me?

Here's the thing, God doesn't make mistakes. They may appear as mistakes to me because it's different than what I planned, but really it's him at work. He's not making mistakes, I'm making the mistake not to surrender and rest in his plan for me. 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14